Unclench My Fist

>> Sunday, September 30, 2012

This school year has been hard from the very start.  I've been able to do what I love but only for a short time.  I knew it was temporary but I waited for God to intervene.  I knew He would. I was wrong.  Lesson learned:  sometimes God says no and I have to unclench my fist.

Through all this, something was stolen from me that I need and depend on.  The person was confronted and denied it.  I had to let it go and allow God to sustain me and He is and I'm learning some things about my body through it all.  It's not completely a bad thing but it's hard.  Very hard.  And I'm angry.  So very angry.  Lesson learned:  sometimes God says, "Hold onto Me and you will make it, Laury.  I know it's not fair but just hold onto Me."

Letting go of something I love to do and working with kids I understand and love to work with has been hard and yet...I love what I'm doing now too.  I had to get past the initial shock and anger before I could see it though.  Besides that, I still get to work in the class one hour a day and I've made relationships with the teacher and the kids.  It took that letting go of the emotion before I could settle down and see things for what they were.  So silly.  God made me a pretty effective educator wherever I'm placed.  It's not anything I learned or did, it's the talent He instilled in me and I'm so thankful.

Smoldering anger...I don't know where that comes from because I'm not an angry person.  Injustice and unfairness upset me though and this year and past years but especially this year, has hit me full in the face and I haven't been able to do a thing about it.  I have tried, trust me.  But once the temper tantrums haven't worked, and the sulking, and the pleading with God, falling into His arms and resting, knowing for sure Daddy will catch me and take care of me - then, and only then does everything begin to fall into place.

It's funny, situations don't change.  The stolen is still gone and God has helped me through in amazing ways.  The school thing is the same too.  It's me.  I'm the variable that needed the adjustment.  The anger and resentment and feelings of unfairness are still there, I am human after all, but they aren't right there at the top ready to spill out.  Sometimes I even forget about them for a bit.

Ephesians 4:31 ESV
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Proverbs 3:5 ESV
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

When the world seems to be going crazy, the best thing to do is let go of it and cling to God. When everything else falls away, He will still be here. He is eternal.  Our Rock.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

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