The Great Pretender...

My boy is leaving tomorr0w. Here it is, 6:47 AM and I'm all drippy thinking about it. Tears are falling onto the shirt of my pajamas and my nose is all snuffly and snotty. Its been so good to have him home for this long.

How can a mommy-heart hurt so bad? How can I just get up and take a shower and continue on with my day like all is well? I'm not sure I can. And its doubly hard because he doesn't want to leave. He doesn't even like to talk about leaving. His surgery is looming in the near future, too - June 10th.

Oh! A heart ripping apart. He's having major surgery and we will be thousands of miles away. My last day with him and I will be stuck at school reading finals all day to kids who could really care less.

I long to spend more time with him. Tonight, I'll ask him to play his trumpet for me tonight, late. He will play outside and I'll sit on the steps of the porch wrapped in a blanket and cry and have my heart burst with pride at the same time.

And before that, I will come home from school and make lasagna for my boy. And he mentioned he might bring home a girl. I don't want to share but that's okay, I will. I want him to be happy. That's all I want. I want life to go his way. I want him to have his heart's desire.

And I am torturing myself right now. Can you feel my pain? Can you picture the tears? The heart pangs? A nose blow, a good swipe of my face to brush away the tears, a shower, breakfast, a nice quiet drive to school without Nik (his finals aren't until this afternoon) and a long day of work followed by a scrambled drive home, cooking for my boy, hoping someone has picked up the house while I was gone so I'm not mad when I get there.

Oh, and the laundry. So much of his laundry is mixed up with ours. I wonder if he'll pack tonight? He never does. He waits until that morning and then rolls out of bed half asleep after staying up all night somewhere, his last night at home, and he makes me nervous. I'll get what I can ready, will have it in piles like always, and wait and fume and wonder why he doesn't take care of business:)

He breaks my mommy heart in two. This coming home, this having the nerve to grow up and mature while he's away, taking me by surprise when I see him again. And now it is 7 AM. My day must begin -- whether I am ready or not. And Mommy does what she has to do, like always, and pretends she isn't dying inside.