Total Dependence

>> Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I hate to say it. Why do I have to be so very honest on this blog? I'm not liking this but I am who I am -- transparent, open. I am utterly, totally dependent on my pain medicine. I know, I know... I'm getting eye rolls now. I'm getting self-righteous thoughts thrown out at me. But until you've lived through the pain that I have, I just can't listen to them. Believe me, I've thought everything that you might say. I don't like it anymore than you do but it is a fact of my life.

Every eight hours, three times a day -- I reach for my pill. Although, I do have to say, I go for it much sooner than the eight hours most of the time. Just this morning, I woke up with a powerful headache (which is how I live ALL the time, by the way, hence the reason I need the pain medicine) but I also woke up in a cold sweat and feeling so strange. I NEED my medicine. I had to wake up to TAKE my medicine. I took it earlier last night so its been a LONG time since I've had it last.

There now. I've said it. I'm totally dependent on the stuff and you know what? It really doesn't take away my pain. I get relaxed. I get loosened up. I can feel warmth start from my legs and work up into my body. But I never ever feel it reach my head. I am totally, utterly dependent on something that gives me very little relief but I can't do without it because the relief I do get, keeps me out of the ER. So now you know...

I also am very dependent on my friends to help me through my days. Because I am transparent, my close friends usually know when I'm hurting especially bad. And if I don't say anything, some are even good at figuring it out just by how my routines change. There have been many days when its been the prayers of those faithful friends to get me through my days at school. Faithful, prayerful friends I have and I am so very grateful to them!

I am also totally, completely, utterly dependent on my God. He is The One that keeps me going. He's the one that brought these wonderful friends into my life. I am truly blessed! He is also The One that provided this pain medicine for me. Without the skill and know-how that God gave these brilliant scientists, it wouldn't have been created. Although there are negative side-effects, I still am very thankful for it. I pray that I will be totally, completely, utterly dependent on God all the days of my life and I pray this prayer for all of you, too.

Ephesians 3:17-20, "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

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